2011: that was the season that was
In their 2011 campaign, by most estimates, England played fourteen test matches, twenty three ODIs, and fifty four T20s. Somehow, the only team they couldn’t beat was West Indies.
But the season is not quite yet over for England, who have still to play a nineteen-match series of 15-over-a-side matches against Namibia, all of which will be staged at the Riverside in November. The commitment is a result of a drunken promise by ECB boss Giles Clarke to Richard Desmond, the owner of Channel 5. “I’d had a few pints and must have got a bit carried away”, says Giles. “But it turns out he’d written it down in the back of a fag packet, so I suppose we’ll just have to play them”.
In a golden summer for English batting, Alastair Cook made 3,546 test runs, Ian Bell scored 4,242 runs, and Kevin Pietersen 6,012. The ICC have recently decreed that next season Cook must either bat blindfolded, or while carrying two heavy bags of shopping.
During his mammoth innings at Edgbaston, Cook’s “great temperament” was mentioned by commentators 379 times – a new world test record.
After Jonathan Trott’s double century against Sri Lanka at Cardiff, groundstaff required an estimated 5,000 tons of topsoil to fill in the groove he’d left at the crease.
Following their side’s travails in the Ashes, the Australian selectors are set to pick eleven uncapped off-spinners from grade cricket for their next series. Nathan Hauritz will be twelfth man.
It was a fitful summer for Ravi Bopara, who is now preparing for a new career in endurance stunts with illusionist David Blaine. Bopara will remain padded up for eight weeks while watching Blaine bat against a bowling machine, while suspended in a Perspex box above the Thames. After Blaine completes his gruelling two month ordeal, Bopara will then aim to survive ten minutes in the box himself, without falling LBW.
Andrew Strauss has set his sights even higher for the 2012 season. “I’m aiming for us to bat for five whole days without me declaring at all. Ideally, we’d like to post a score of around 15,000, just to make the game safe”.
A recent poll voted MS Dhoni’s run-out reprieve of Ian Bell the greatest act of magnamimity in the history of mankind. The Indian skipper beat Captain Oates’s Antarctic sacrifice into second place, followed by Mahatma Ghandi, the Dalai Lama, and Bobby Sands.
Cricket pundits worldwide agreed that England, in view of their feats this summer, have become the greatest test team the world has ever known. Especially fulsome in their plaudits were commentators Mike Atherton, Nasser Hussain and Michael Vaughan – who in their own careers merely faced players such as Glenn McGrath, Shane Warne, Brian Lara, Allan Donald and Wasim Akram.
The ECB have now launched a wide-ranging inquiry after no England cricketers were selected for either of this winter’s major TV pro-celebrity dancing contests. Much of the blame has been attributed to Dominic Cork’s woeful performance in 2010′s Dancing On Ice. Remedial action is already underway. “Kim Barnett will undergo intensive foxtrot training this autumn”, an ECB source told us, “ahead of a tilt at Strictly in 2012″.
Maxie Allen
Haha, good article. Mind you, as a spin bowling coach, I would quite enjoy the aussies picking 11 uncapped off spinners!
Excellent